So the problem I reckon is not that I can't write anything good, I just have nothing good to write about... Let's see what those lovely oddbods on twitter can suggest, via the medium of one-word topic suggestions....
Do kids even use calculators nowadays? Isnt it all iPhones and apps and that?
I remember i had the best calculator at school. It could display up to 15 digits, it had a backspace button and, wonder of wonders, it had an off button. I don't trust things that don't have off buttons. I mean, sure, 'auto power off' after 5 minutes is all well and good, but what if the calculator is getting shifted about in my bag, stuff squashing the buttons and that, it'd never switch off. Ever.
One of the pathetic pastimes I came up with during some of my lessons to pass the time between being an awkward nerd and trying not to get an erection was to add up all the positive whole numbers from 1 to 100. The answer is 5050. I am cool.
I also did up to 1000 (500500) as well as up to every hundred up to that. I was very bored at school. Maybe I should have learned to talk to girls or something. Or eaten less sweets.
I used to have a favourite spatula.
I used it for everything.
She was called Spatty.
Spatty was murdered by being put in the bin because she went a bit manky.
She was replaced by a pisspoor 'turner'.
I was cross for an unreasonable length of time.
I have a new spatula now.
He is called Pongo.
He's not as good as Spatty.
But I'm a grown up now.
And not bothered.
Oh wow. It took three attempts for someone to suggest something rude. I'm quite surprised no-one's mentioned food yet. Or boobies. Those twitter people do like their boobies.
So, what should I write about vaginas... given that I am an expert and that...
Oh I dunno...
I tell you what, ill go and do a bit of googling and ill get back to you...
OH. MY. GOD. MY. POOR. INNOCENT. EYES.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WITH A CAN OF DIET COKE? YOU SICK CRAZY WOMAN! IT CAN'T BE PLEASANT! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD YOU'VE OPENED THE RING PULL! NOW IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WEEING FIZZY POP! OH GOD, WHO'S HE? NO! DON'T DRINK IT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN! NOOOOO!
Oh look, a link to dog food...
Just be grateful this isn't a video blog. Or an audio one. GAHHHHHHHHH.
So, if you were to put this blog wide-by-side with another, how would it compare or contrast? See, I don't know because besides the odd tweet, usually positive, occasionally not getting the point of not-joining-in-with-the-self-deprication; you guys never leave comments or anything. Even a lazy LOL would be better than the tumbleweed factory that currently lives below my blog. Feel free to juxtapose this blog with others, tell me what I'm doing wrong, or ideally tell me I'm awesome and offer me money. Genuine offers though. Cash or Paypal. Cheers.
When you get mustard powder on your fingers, wash your hands before you go for a wee. Just saying...